Doug and the Enchanted Spittoon

Doug was backpacking through the desert one day when he came across a giant neon sign that read "Enchanted Spittoon". The sign had an arrow pointing to a mystical cave. Doug said, "I shall travel to that mystical cave and search for the enchanted spittoon. I do hope there is something to eat in there, though. I'm starved!" And so Doug ventured inside the cave. Not more than two feet in, Doug encountered a grumpy troll.
"I'm a grumpy troll!" the troll said, "Now get me a radish and I shall let you pass."
Doug did not know where to get a radish and so he told the troll "I am questing for an enchanted spittoon. When I find it, I will wish for a radish for you." The troll was pleased and let Doug through. Soon Doug came across a family of mud crabs.
"Please," the mother crab said, "You must help me! My baby is sick and I need medicine to heal him. Can you please get me some from the nearest town." Doug was half way to the treasure by now and did not want to turn back.
He told the mother crab, "I am searching for an enchanted spittoon. When I find it, I will wish for medicine for your son." This pleased the crab, and Doug went on his way. Doug was almost to the end of the cave when he saw a unicorn in a bear trap. It's horn had broken off.
The unicorn looked up at him with his head stuck in the trap and said, "This is incredibly painful! If you get me out of here and fix my horn, I'll fly you out of the desert and into civilization." Doug had been traveling in the desert for quite some time with no end in sight. He desperately wanted to get home.
Knowing he was not strong enough, Dough said, "I'm searching for an enchanted spittoon. When I find it, I'll wish for you to bee freed and your horn fixed." With a sigh, the unicorn let Doug leave. Doug could see a sparkle in the distance that he knew must be the spittoon. He rounded the corner and bumped into a gigantic spider web.
Inside was an enormous spider. "I am the keeper of the spittoon." it said, "If you wish to use the spittoon, you must answer my riddle. If you take the number of grains of sand in this chamber and turn it into glass, how many nuns does it take to screw in a light bulb while standing on those sheets of glass, assuming the nuns are each five foot five inches tall?"
Doug thought long and hard. Having absolutely no idea, he randomly guessed "Five?"
The spider pondered for a while and said, "Well, that's closer than most people get, so go on in." Doug could see it before him. The spittoon shone with a wonderful gold glow. Instructions on the wall told Doug to spit into it and wait. And so, Doug did. He spit into it, and he waited, and waited, and waited. Finally, something happened. The spit came out a slot on the back of the spittoon as pure, clean water.
"What gives!?" Doug demanded "Where's my wishes?"
The spider turned to him and said, "What wish. This is the enhanced spittoon. Most people come through here very thirsty. If they make it passed the trials, they get fresh water."
"But the sign outside said 'enchanted spittoon!" Doug insisted.
"Oh, that old thing? Some of the lights must be out. I must get around to fixing it one of these days."
Doug was in a panic. He had just made a lot of promises he could no longer keep. He slowly walked back to the entrance, where the troll, crab, and the unicorn were eagerly waiting. "Here's the thing..." Doug tried to explain, "Turns out it wasn't an enchanted spittoon, it was an enhanced spittoon. I can't help any of you. Sorry?"
"My son is going to die thanks to you!" the crab yelled.
"My head is going to be stuck in this thing forever thanks to you!" the unicorn clamored.
"I'm not just grumpy, I'm mad as hell now because I didn't get my radish!" the troll boomed.
So, the three backed Doug into a corner and beat him to a pulp. The troll freed the unicorn, who, in turn, flew to town and got medicine for the crab, who dug into the earth and found a turnip for the troll. All was well. Except for Doug, that is. He was never heard from again. But legend has it that if you pass buy the cave of the enhanced spittoon (the spider did get around to fixing the sign), you can still hear the screams. No one knows for sure if he is alive or dead, but his legend lives on.