The Xbox One Makes Me Want to Give Up on Video Games

I've been trying to express my feelings on the Xbox One for quite some time, and I've gone through maybe three or four different iterations. None of them felt right. My goal was not to sound like a whiny bitch, but you know what? Fuck that. I'm going to be a whiny bitch because that's what the Xbox One deserves. See, the Xbox One is a piece of shit. It's the worst console I've ever owned, and probably the worst ever made. Worse than the 3DO or the Virtual Boy or even the Gizmondo, which I'm pretty sure was a scam. Every time I try to play the Xbox One I'm filled with rage followed by a profound sadness. It's almost like the five stages of grief, where I start out in disbelief that a video game system can be so much of a hassle, then I'm pleading with the forces that be to make the damn thing work how I want it to, then I finally accept that it just sucks and give up. I used to own an Xbox and an Xbox 360. I loved them! I want to love the Xbox One too, but I just can’t.

Bad Movie Review: Mega Snake

You guys wanted movies? I'll do you one better. Bad movies. Yes, there's nothing quite as entertaining as a bad movie. When it's done right, of course. Mega Snake is one of those movies. You'd think it would be one of those things where a snake falls into a vat of atomic nuclear goo, grows huge, and attacks major metropolitan cities. But you'd be wrong. No, Mega Snake has no epic scientists or over the top military campaigns. Instead it takes place in some backwater redneck town in which some mystical Indian snake escapes and eats all the farm animals. And ma. Poor ma. I mean, it's good because it's different and it comes off cheesy in a good way because it tries to be serious and fails. But I can't help feeling that this movie would have been ten times as awesome if the main characters were these two random redneck dudes that live in the woods. They really steal the show. Somehow, they craft a flamethrower out of a barbecue grill and go snake hunting in an armored truck with a megaphone. Epic. You never really care about the characters (except poor, poor ma) and, yes, everyone pretty much dies at the end. I normally wouldn't ruin a movie like that, but you can see it coming from a mile away. In fact, you could have probably guessed that from the name alone. Anyway, Mega Snake is a good bad movie. Definitely check it out if you're into that.

4/5 cow pies

Bad Games Everyone's Played: Glover

I see a lot of websites highlighting underrated games- games that nobody's played but are great. That's stupid. Instead, in this new feature I just thought up off the top of my head, I'll examine bad games everyone has played. Today's crappity crap: Glover.

Above: What the hell were they thinking!?