It was a dark and stormy Halloween eve, as is typical for this sort of event. Two friends, Steve and Jon, were watching a Twilight Zone marathon at Steve's house, mere blocks from the old cemetery. Jon sat glued to Steve's couch that was so old it had butt indentations and smelled like burnt cheese. Steve was up munching on his favorite snack, a hot dog with steak sauce, as he watched the rain beat down outside.
Showing posts with label stories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stories. Show all posts
October 31, 2013
February 14, 2010
The Field of Unknowing
In the vast expanse of time lies the Field of Unknowing. This is where the vast array of forgotten knowledge accumulates.
October 21, 2009
May 15, 2009
A new day is dawning
Not really, but the regular updates are back! Huzzah! To celebrate, here's this:
October 24, 2008
The Legendary Tale of Brachus the Whale
Brachus the Whale: Legendary Sheep Herder
Note: It's pronounced Bra-kuss
Far too long has it been since I've written a story. Time for some fun.
Legend tells of a whale named Brachus, the greatest sheep herder in all of Scotsdale. This is the tale of his most thrilling epic adventure/journey/battle. It was late one night when Brachus was scouring the fields for his missing sheep. A paperboy was stumbling along nearby delivering the middle-of-the-night edition of The Scotdale Infomationer. Brachus happened to take a copy and noticed that the cover story was about sheep going missing all over Scotsdale. Nothing boiled his cabbage more than sheep-nappers. Brachus blew applesauce out of his blowhole in a angry rage and declared that he would hunt down this crazy sheep stealer. He clapped his hands and the sun turned on, he clapped them again and called forth his battle llama. He reached into his side pocket and pulled out his mighty beefs. He bit off a chunk, mounted his llama and rode off into the horizon. By the time he reached the horizon, the horizon had moved so he kept chasing it for 83 days until he forgot why he was riding in circles. He bit off another chunk of beefs and refreshed his brain. Suddenly, it all came back to him. He remembered the guy that was stealing sheep. His cabbage now thoroughly boiled, he kept on. He searched through the Great Desserts of Hotland, the Ice Pops of Frigidville, and the Marshes of Swampenberg. Feeling as though he would never find the culprit, he assumed the fetal position and began bawling while stuffing his face with marshmallows. Some one came up from behind and tapped him on the shoulder. This startled Brachus and he automatically bit off the man's head. Another man came running up behind the first and told Brachus, "Look for the lights in the sky. There shall all things be made soft and squishy. In this land the one you seek is hiding disguised as a disguise. If you find him and defeat him all will be set right in Scotsdale. If you do not, it really won't make much of a difference. Sheep are expendable. You can always get more." This comment upset Brachus and he bit off this man's head too. But those words lingered in his mind. He looked to the sky and saw a bright neon sign that read: He's over here, you doofbutt. He followed it and found a glowwerm. The glowwerm belched and opened up a portal to next Tuesday. Brachus jumped in and was transported to an enchanted cement factory. The fiend was turning the sheep into cheap novelty items! Brachus could stand it no longer. He whipped out his almighty doom weapon: a stale french baguette. "Where are you!? I will tear out your eyes and make pudding with them! I shall mash up your body and use it as a seat cushion! I'll rip out your teeth and fingernails and put them back in the wrong place. I'll-" Brachus was cut off by a giant implosion. Platoons of headless raisins marched out of the machinery. "Fool," said a voice, "I am not to be dealt with. I am the Mighty Grand Master of Stuffs and you cannot defeat me." He walked out of the shadows. Brachus stumbled back. It was a monstrous sheep. "Why... why would you do this to your own kind." Because we suck. The Grand Master took out a pop-gun and shot himself 6 times in the head. He slumped over into a vat of cream cheese. "Noooooo!!!!!!" Brachus screamed as he ran to the vat. "I will set things right!" He took out a soup ladle and began to play a happy tune. The sheep all came out of their slumber of death. Brachus lead the zombie sheep back through the wermportal and into last week. He lead them back to the sheepy fields of Scotsdale. And all was almost as if nothing had happened. No one even bothered to question why most of the sheep were zombies. The disappearance of the neon sign disturbed several citizens, however.
And that was the tale of Brachus the Whale: Legendary Sheep Herder. It is said that every 6th month of every 12th year, Brachus leads the sheep into next Tuesday for an awesome house party with the headless raisins. When it happens, the neon sign returns and everyone is put at ease. But that's not all Brachus ever accomplished, before he was a sheep herder, Brachus was the greatest mariner that ever lived. But that is a story for another day.
Note: It's pronounced Bra-kuss
Far too long has it been since I've written a story. Time for some fun.
Legend tells of a whale named Brachus, the greatest sheep herder in all of Scotsdale. This is the tale of his most thrilling epic adventure/journey/battle. It was late one night when Brachus was scouring the fields for his missing sheep. A paperboy was stumbling along nearby delivering the middle-of-the-night edition of The Scotdale Infomationer. Brachus happened to take a copy and noticed that the cover story was about sheep going missing all over Scotsdale. Nothing boiled his cabbage more than sheep-nappers. Brachus blew applesauce out of his blowhole in a angry rage and declared that he would hunt down this crazy sheep stealer. He clapped his hands and the sun turned on, he clapped them again and called forth his battle llama. He reached into his side pocket and pulled out his mighty beefs. He bit off a chunk, mounted his llama and rode off into the horizon. By the time he reached the horizon, the horizon had moved so he kept chasing it for 83 days until he forgot why he was riding in circles. He bit off another chunk of beefs and refreshed his brain. Suddenly, it all came back to him. He remembered the guy that was stealing sheep. His cabbage now thoroughly boiled, he kept on. He searched through the Great Desserts of Hotland, the Ice Pops of Frigidville, and the Marshes of Swampenberg. Feeling as though he would never find the culprit, he assumed the fetal position and began bawling while stuffing his face with marshmallows. Some one came up from behind and tapped him on the shoulder. This startled Brachus and he automatically bit off the man's head. Another man came running up behind the first and told Brachus, "Look for the lights in the sky. There shall all things be made soft and squishy. In this land the one you seek is hiding disguised as a disguise. If you find him and defeat him all will be set right in Scotsdale. If you do not, it really won't make much of a difference. Sheep are expendable. You can always get more." This comment upset Brachus and he bit off this man's head too. But those words lingered in his mind. He looked to the sky and saw a bright neon sign that read: He's over here, you doofbutt. He followed it and found a glowwerm. The glowwerm belched and opened up a portal to next Tuesday. Brachus jumped in and was transported to an enchanted cement factory. The fiend was turning the sheep into cheap novelty items! Brachus could stand it no longer. He whipped out his almighty doom weapon: a stale french baguette. "Where are you!? I will tear out your eyes and make pudding with them! I shall mash up your body and use it as a seat cushion! I'll rip out your teeth and fingernails and put them back in the wrong place. I'll-" Brachus was cut off by a giant implosion. Platoons of headless raisins marched out of the machinery. "Fool," said a voice, "I am not to be dealt with. I am the Mighty Grand Master of Stuffs and you cannot defeat me." He walked out of the shadows. Brachus stumbled back. It was a monstrous sheep. "Why... why would you do this to your own kind." Because we suck. The Grand Master took out a pop-gun and shot himself 6 times in the head. He slumped over into a vat of cream cheese. "Noooooo!!!!!!" Brachus screamed as he ran to the vat. "I will set things right!" He took out a soup ladle and began to play a happy tune. The sheep all came out of their slumber of death. Brachus lead the zombie sheep back through the wermportal and into last week. He lead them back to the sheepy fields of Scotsdale. And all was almost as if nothing had happened. No one even bothered to question why most of the sheep were zombies. The disappearance of the neon sign disturbed several citizens, however.
And that was the tale of Brachus the Whale: Legendary Sheep Herder. It is said that every 6th month of every 12th year, Brachus leads the sheep into next Tuesday for an awesome house party with the headless raisins. When it happens, the neon sign returns and everyone is put at ease. But that's not all Brachus ever accomplished, before he was a sheep herder, Brachus was the greatest mariner that ever lived. But that is a story for another day.
April 2, 2008
The story of Jorban the Magical Wizard
There once lived a kindly wizard named Jorban. Jorban loved children. In fact, he loved children so much that he would invite all the children in the Magic Forest to his place every night for a bedtime story. Jorban's Place was a place of enchanted bliss, full of all the things little kids loved: sugarpops, gumdrops, teddy bears, ponies and mares, trinkets, toys, and fruit pulp. All the children would skip on over to Jorban's place and play in his puddles of chocolate sauce and climb his castles of pretzel sticks. They would play for hours and hours and Jorban would watch them from his bathroom window with a smile on his face. When the sun began to set, Jorban would invite the children into his home for magical story time. He would tell them of enchanted puppets and floating unicorns in the night, of rainbow magpies and fearless knights, of cozy beds and sweet dreams, and distant places like the Philippines. Finally, it was time for sleep. Jorban would give the children some special red punch and invite them into his room. Jorban's room was very large. There were hundreds of tiny beds for all the children and right in the middle was Jorbans. He tucked the children in and kissed them goodnight. Then he turned out the lights and the real fun began. The children sank into a land of dreams with Jorban as their guide. They dreampt about the stories and events of the day and began to feel more and more happy. Jorban was there all the while watching, smiling. Finally, the children would enter a state of pure elation and then... they wake up very rested and in their own beds. Jorban, having been very pleased with the children's state of pleasure, returned them to their houses. Tomorrow night, they'll do it all over again!
March 6, 2008
The Beserker Mist
The mist....I feed on the mist....
The mist it came out of nowhere, none of us where expecting it. It covered our entire village and made us go mad...so mad.....we where like animals....
Blood...so much blood.....you couldn't even tell that the grass was green.....it was red......all red...
I survived...how I don't know....most people exploded from the mist.....and the ones that did survive it......they went crazy....
I went crazy as well.....so crazy for so long........but then the creator found me........the creator of the mist........he put tubes in my body.......a gas chamber locked into my back......in the chamber...the mist resides........I feed on it through the tubes....
Unstoppable....that's what they call me......I've taken down entire regiments of soldiers with the mist........I don't feel pain or emotion....all I feel is the lust.....for blood....
The mist....it's deformed me........I don't even remember how I looked before....but I know I didn't look like this.....
Who am I.....do I even care?
No I don't.....
This place is odd......there are no spiders.....
The mist it came out of nowhere, none of us where expecting it. It covered our entire village and made us go mad...so mad.....we where like animals....
Blood...so much blood.....you couldn't even tell that the grass was green.....it was red......all red...
I survived...how I don't know....most people exploded from the mist.....and the ones that did survive it......they went crazy....
I went crazy as well.....so crazy for so long........but then the creator found me........the creator of the mist........he put tubes in my body.......a gas chamber locked into my back......in the chamber...the mist resides........I feed on it through the tubes....
Unstoppable....that's what they call me......I've taken down entire regiments of soldiers with the mist........I don't feel pain or emotion....all I feel is the lust.....for blood....
The mist....it's deformed me........I don't even remember how I looked before....but I know I didn't look like this.....
Who am I.....do I even care?
No I don't.....
This place is odd......there are no spiders.....
February 29, 2008
Thread of souls: A tapestry that leads to a private hell
The Earl was a quiet man who had a thing for his servants especially his younger female servants. No one dared to raise their hand against the Earl for if they did they knew they would be killed and their daughters taken for his service. One day however the Earl made a mistake that cost him much more than just his life.
The earl was getting tired of his old servants and wanted an new one for his pleasure. He strode into town with two of his men and kicked open the door of the first wooden house he saw. In there laid a woman spinning a thread her daughters sitting by her side. The woman had four daughters in total all equally beautiful. The earl took the oldest daughter first and left with her for a month.
Each month the Earl would come for a new daughter. The mother would never protest neither would the daughter. The woman just keep spinning her thread making a tapestry of some sort. The only thing the woman requested was a clip of her daughters hair before the Earl took them away. She would then put the hair into the tapestry itself. The Earl thought it was a little bit strange but hardly worried about it.
When the Earl was done with the last daughter he came back to find the mother. She was almost done with her tapestry. It was a beautifully draw tapestry with a back round image of a forest in the spring.The Earl went towards the women he tapped her on the arm and beckoned her to come with him. When she did not listen he pulled her arm and tried to take her away from the tapestry.
Meanwhile the Earl's two men where waiting outside the door for him heard a horrible scream. To scared to see what had happened to the Earl the ran off back to the castle. Screams could be heard through the whole night but the villagers ignored them fearing that the Earl had gone crazy and decided to torture the women weaving the tapestry.
A year later the woman went into the town and placed her tapestry in the town square with a white sheet over it. The next day she unveiled the tapestry. What shocked the people was not only it's beauty but the realism of the man in the tapestry, in fact many claimed the man looked like he was made from real human skin.
In the tapestry two wolves had jumped on the man and where eating him, over the course of the next month the wolves would eat more and more of the man until nothing was left.
The villagers where horrified by the tapestry so the killed the woman. They took the woman the next day and hung her outside the town and let the spiders feast on her body. However they could not destroy the tapestry no matter how much they tried. Now once a year a select group of villagers goes with a criminal usually a sex offender down into the hidden vaults of the town. The leave the criminal alone in the room with the tapestry. When the villagers go to check on the man the result are always the same: a picture of two wolves eating a man and a woman sitting near the man smiling. She weaves a new tapestry in the picture, the tapestry spells out a series of four numbers:
2012
No one in the town knows what this series of numbers mean.
No more spiders exist in that village.
The earl was getting tired of his old servants and wanted an new one for his pleasure. He strode into town with two of his men and kicked open the door of the first wooden house he saw. In there laid a woman spinning a thread her daughters sitting by her side. The woman had four daughters in total all equally beautiful. The earl took the oldest daughter first and left with her for a month.
Each month the Earl would come for a new daughter. The mother would never protest neither would the daughter. The woman just keep spinning her thread making a tapestry of some sort. The only thing the woman requested was a clip of her daughters hair before the Earl took them away. She would then put the hair into the tapestry itself. The Earl thought it was a little bit strange but hardly worried about it.
When the Earl was done with the last daughter he came back to find the mother. She was almost done with her tapestry. It was a beautifully draw tapestry with a back round image of a forest in the spring.The Earl went towards the women he tapped her on the arm and beckoned her to come with him. When she did not listen he pulled her arm and tried to take her away from the tapestry.
Meanwhile the Earl's two men where waiting outside the door for him heard a horrible scream. To scared to see what had happened to the Earl the ran off back to the castle. Screams could be heard through the whole night but the villagers ignored them fearing that the Earl had gone crazy and decided to torture the women weaving the tapestry.
A year later the woman went into the town and placed her tapestry in the town square with a white sheet over it. The next day she unveiled the tapestry. What shocked the people was not only it's beauty but the realism of the man in the tapestry, in fact many claimed the man looked like he was made from real human skin.
In the tapestry two wolves had jumped on the man and where eating him, over the course of the next month the wolves would eat more and more of the man until nothing was left.
The villagers where horrified by the tapestry so the killed the woman. They took the woman the next day and hung her outside the town and let the spiders feast on her body. However they could not destroy the tapestry no matter how much they tried. Now once a year a select group of villagers goes with a criminal usually a sex offender down into the hidden vaults of the town. The leave the criminal alone in the room with the tapestry. When the villagers go to check on the man the result are always the same: a picture of two wolves eating a man and a woman sitting near the man smiling. She weaves a new tapestry in the picture, the tapestry spells out a series of four numbers:
2012
No one in the town knows what this series of numbers mean.
No more spiders exist in that village.
HAPPY LEAP DAY!
Today is the 29th of February. A pretend day that comes only once every four years. Few know the magical story behind this nonexistent day, but I have hacked into government files of doom and have discovered the true story.
It all started in the year 6. The Mexican professor Ivan McDurvan was inventing a way to make Cheetos purple. His machine backfired on the 28th of February and caused a rift in space-time (not time-space, the two are completely different) which caused the earth to leap into itself. It was stuck inside itself in a nonexistent paradox of death for an entire day until Ivan McDurvan was able to reverse the effect using the effect-reverse machine. Unfortunately, the rift opens up every four years because a powdered doughnut was stuck in the circuitry causing it to explodinate and thus creating a spoodle in the universe's atmosphere which re-opens the hole on a basis measured by the amount of population it takes to fill up the island of Guam. Basically, it always equals four years exactly after the 28th of February. So, every four years the rift sucks the earth inside itself while everyone is sleeping and we enter into the nonexistent day of February 29th. We are quietly returned to normal 24 hours afterwards. However, every time the earth makes the jump, a few people are left behind with small about of the earth's life force. This means, eventually, that everyone on earth will disappear inside the earth and then the earth will die trapping everyone in the nonexistent 29th of February on a nonexistent earth.
Some believe the tale, others think it's government nonsense. What do you believe?
It all started in the year 6. The Mexican professor Ivan McDurvan was inventing a way to make Cheetos purple. His machine backfired on the 28th of February and caused a rift in space-time (not time-space, the two are completely different) which caused the earth to leap into itself. It was stuck inside itself in a nonexistent paradox of death for an entire day until Ivan McDurvan was able to reverse the effect using the effect-reverse machine. Unfortunately, the rift opens up every four years because a powdered doughnut was stuck in the circuitry causing it to explodinate and thus creating a spoodle in the universe's atmosphere which re-opens the hole on a basis measured by the amount of population it takes to fill up the island of Guam. Basically, it always equals four years exactly after the 28th of February. So, every four years the rift sucks the earth inside itself while everyone is sleeping and we enter into the nonexistent day of February 29th. We are quietly returned to normal 24 hours afterwards. However, every time the earth makes the jump, a few people are left behind with small about of the earth's life force. This means, eventually, that everyone on earth will disappear inside the earth and then the earth will die trapping everyone in the nonexistent 29th of February on a nonexistent earth.
Some believe the tale, others think it's government nonsense. What do you believe?
February 18, 2008
Seinfeld Post
It's a post about nothing!
Random filler until I have something good to post:
Fear the giant ant of Brunswick for he will be the judge of the beholder. When the time is nigh, only he can restore balance to the sandwich. The earl shall break out of his holding property of Mr. Farly and exclaim, "I am what I am and that's all that I am. If I was any more, I wouldn't be me. So... bananas." All will be calm for three days and three nights until the great Badgermole of Destiny ascends upon the bald man's head, for only he can recite the Creed of the Grassblades. When this prophecy is foretold, it shall be predicted, then summoned to jury duty. After all is said and done, the Grand Eraser of Dunemark will implode inside the Forest of Hope and spread said hope throughout the land. After a series of horrible plagues that will kill off half of the Asian population, a century of peace will bestow the world with itself. Only the one who can speak French backwards in a boat will fulfill the requirements to initiate the Grand Peace of All Time.
Will it be you?
Random filler until I have something good to post:
Fear the giant ant of Brunswick for he will be the judge of the beholder. When the time is nigh, only he can restore balance to the sandwich. The earl shall break out of his holding property of Mr. Farly and exclaim, "I am what I am and that's all that I am. If I was any more, I wouldn't be me. So... bananas." All will be calm for three days and three nights until the great Badgermole of Destiny ascends upon the bald man's head, for only he can recite the Creed of the Grassblades. When this prophecy is foretold, it shall be predicted, then summoned to jury duty. After all is said and done, the Grand Eraser of Dunemark will implode inside the Forest of Hope and spread said hope throughout the land. After a series of horrible plagues that will kill off half of the Asian population, a century of peace will bestow the world with itself. Only the one who can speak French backwards in a boat will fulfill the requirements to initiate the Grand Peace of All Time.
Will it be you?
January 9, 2008
Jagabra
Rabid snails are mating with the French pails,
Xenon trails,
Shipping lanes and airplanes,
Intergalactic growing pains,
Ice cream,
Moon beams,
Kamikaze,
Chimpanzee,
Noodle butt,
Horse gut,
Chicken curry sand pails,
Maine,
Spain,
Alpine train flying through a speed zone,
Rome,
Home,
Dog bone,
Zenith beast,
Twilight Zone,
Cone,
Rod,
Stick,
Prod,
Three eyed quail,
Guy named Rob,
Arby's meal,
Orange peel,
Nuclear winter,
Bean seal,
Crock,
Rock,
Doodle dock,
Mr. Magoo and crock pot,
Zoo,
Moo,
Sultan of Shmoo,
Satan has a poodle,
If you understand this then,
You are hereby the wisest being in all creation,
If not,
Don't worry,
You're just as confused as I am.
Xenon trails,
Shipping lanes and airplanes,
Intergalactic growing pains,
Ice cream,
Moon beams,
Kamikaze,
Chimpanzee,
Noodle butt,
Horse gut,
Chicken curry sand pails,
Maine,
Spain,
Alpine train flying through a speed zone,
Rome,
Home,
Dog bone,
Zenith beast,
Twilight Zone,
Cone,
Rod,
Stick,
Prod,
Three eyed quail,
Guy named Rob,
Arby's meal,
Orange peel,
Nuclear winter,
Bean seal,
Crock,
Rock,
Doodle dock,
Mr. Magoo and crock pot,
Zoo,
Moo,
Sultan of Shmoo,
Satan has a poodle,
If you understand this then,
You are hereby the wisest being in all creation,
If not,
Don't worry,
You're just as confused as I am.
December 29, 2007
Doug and the Enchanted Spittoon
Doug was backpacking through the desert one day when he came across a giant neon sign that read "Enchanted Spittoon". The sign had an arrow pointing to a mystical cave. Doug said, "I shall travel to that mystical cave and search for the enchanted spittoon. I do hope there is something to eat in there, though. I'm starved!" And so Doug ventured inside the cave. Not more than two feet in, Doug encountered a grumpy troll.
"I'm a grumpy troll!" the troll said, "Now get me a radish and I shall let you pass."
Doug did not know where to get a radish and so he told the troll "I am questing for an enchanted spittoon. When I find it, I will wish for a radish for you." The troll was pleased and let Doug through. Soon Doug came across a family of mud crabs.
"Please," the mother crab said, "You must help me! My baby is sick and I need medicine to heal him. Can you please get me some from the nearest town." Doug was half way to the treasure by now and did not want to turn back.
He told the mother crab, "I am searching for an enchanted spittoon. When I find it, I will wish for medicine for your son." This pleased the crab, and Doug went on his way. Doug was almost to the end of the cave when he saw a unicorn in a bear trap. It's horn had broken off.
The unicorn looked up at him with his head stuck in the trap and said, "This is incredibly painful! If you get me out of here and fix my horn, I'll fly you out of the desert and into civilization." Doug had been traveling in the desert for quite some time with no end in sight. He desperately wanted to get home.
Knowing he was not strong enough, Dough said, "I'm searching for an enchanted spittoon. When I find it, I'll wish for you to bee freed and your horn fixed." With a sigh, the unicorn let Doug leave. Doug could see a sparkle in the distance that he knew must be the spittoon. He rounded the corner and bumped into a gigantic spider web.
Inside was an enormous spider. "I am the keeper of the spittoon." it said, "If you wish to use the spittoon, you must answer my riddle. If you take the number of grains of sand in this chamber and turn it into glass, how many nuns does it take to screw in a light bulb while standing on those sheets of glass, assuming the nuns are each five foot five inches tall?"
Doug thought long and hard. Having absolutely no idea, he randomly guessed "Five?"
The spider pondered for a while and said, "Well, that's closer than most people get, so go on in." Doug could see it before him. The spittoon shone with a wonderful gold glow. Instructions on the wall told Doug to spit into it and wait. And so, Doug did. He spit into it, and he waited, and waited, and waited. Finally, something happened. The spit came out a slot on the back of the spittoon as pure, clean water.
"What gives!?" Doug demanded "Where's my wishes?"
The spider turned to him and said, "What wish. This is the enhanced spittoon. Most people come through here very thirsty. If they make it passed the trials, they get fresh water."
"But the sign outside said 'enchanted spittoon!" Doug insisted.
"Oh, that old thing? Some of the lights must be out. I must get around to fixing it one of these days."
Doug was in a panic. He had just made a lot of promises he could no longer keep. He slowly walked back to the entrance, where the troll, crab, and the unicorn were eagerly waiting. "Here's the thing..." Doug tried to explain, "Turns out it wasn't an enchanted spittoon, it was an enhanced spittoon. I can't help any of you. Sorry?"
"My son is going to die thanks to you!" the crab yelled.
"My head is going to be stuck in this thing forever thanks to you!" the unicorn clamored.
"I'm not just grumpy, I'm mad as hell now because I didn't get my radish!" the troll boomed.
So, the three backed Doug into a corner and beat him to a pulp. The troll freed the unicorn, who, in turn, flew to town and got medicine for the crab, who dug into the earth and found a turnip for the troll. All was well. Except for Doug, that is. He was never heard from again. But legend has it that if you pass buy the cave of the enhanced spittoon (the spider did get around to fixing the sign), you can still hear the screams. No one knows for sure if he is alive or dead, but his legend lives on.
"I'm a grumpy troll!" the troll said, "Now get me a radish and I shall let you pass."
Doug did not know where to get a radish and so he told the troll "I am questing for an enchanted spittoon. When I find it, I will wish for a radish for you." The troll was pleased and let Doug through. Soon Doug came across a family of mud crabs.
"Please," the mother crab said, "You must help me! My baby is sick and I need medicine to heal him. Can you please get me some from the nearest town." Doug was half way to the treasure by now and did not want to turn back.
He told the mother crab, "I am searching for an enchanted spittoon. When I find it, I will wish for medicine for your son." This pleased the crab, and Doug went on his way. Doug was almost to the end of the cave when he saw a unicorn in a bear trap. It's horn had broken off.
The unicorn looked up at him with his head stuck in the trap and said, "This is incredibly painful! If you get me out of here and fix my horn, I'll fly you out of the desert and into civilization." Doug had been traveling in the desert for quite some time with no end in sight. He desperately wanted to get home.
Knowing he was not strong enough, Dough said, "I'm searching for an enchanted spittoon. When I find it, I'll wish for you to bee freed and your horn fixed." With a sigh, the unicorn let Doug leave. Doug could see a sparkle in the distance that he knew must be the spittoon. He rounded the corner and bumped into a gigantic spider web.
Inside was an enormous spider. "I am the keeper of the spittoon." it said, "If you wish to use the spittoon, you must answer my riddle. If you take the number of grains of sand in this chamber and turn it into glass, how many nuns does it take to screw in a light bulb while standing on those sheets of glass, assuming the nuns are each five foot five inches tall?"
Doug thought long and hard. Having absolutely no idea, he randomly guessed "Five?"
The spider pondered for a while and said, "Well, that's closer than most people get, so go on in." Doug could see it before him. The spittoon shone with a wonderful gold glow. Instructions on the wall told Doug to spit into it and wait. And so, Doug did. He spit into it, and he waited, and waited, and waited. Finally, something happened. The spit came out a slot on the back of the spittoon as pure, clean water.
"What gives!?" Doug demanded "Where's my wishes?"
The spider turned to him and said, "What wish. This is the enhanced spittoon. Most people come through here very thirsty. If they make it passed the trials, they get fresh water."
"But the sign outside said 'enchanted spittoon!" Doug insisted.
"Oh, that old thing? Some of the lights must be out. I must get around to fixing it one of these days."
Doug was in a panic. He had just made a lot of promises he could no longer keep. He slowly walked back to the entrance, where the troll, crab, and the unicorn were eagerly waiting. "Here's the thing..." Doug tried to explain, "Turns out it wasn't an enchanted spittoon, it was an enhanced spittoon. I can't help any of you. Sorry?"
"My son is going to die thanks to you!" the crab yelled.
"My head is going to be stuck in this thing forever thanks to you!" the unicorn clamored.
"I'm not just grumpy, I'm mad as hell now because I didn't get my radish!" the troll boomed.
So, the three backed Doug into a corner and beat him to a pulp. The troll freed the unicorn, who, in turn, flew to town and got medicine for the crab, who dug into the earth and found a turnip for the troll. All was well. Except for Doug, that is. He was never heard from again. But legend has it that if you pass buy the cave of the enhanced spittoon (the spider did get around to fixing the sign), you can still hear the screams. No one knows for sure if he is alive or dead, but his legend lives on.
Oranges and Orgies: The Epic Tale of Shroompuffin
On the day of Latter Made Saints, Shroompuffin was walking towards the annul orgies and oranges feast down by the hoe house. Shroompuffin loved oranges and hoped to get some for his grandmother.
However when reaching the great plateau of orgies and oranges, he noticed a particularly orgieanic orange. He started at it in awe, it would be perfect for his grandmother! Just as he went to pick it up he was surrounded by three Hoes. Their shiny metal heads and wooden bodies terrified him. Quickly grabbing the orange he ran as fast as a dobleflooper tripping over some orgasaming hippies and wanking walruses. The wanking walruses where displeased and decided to purse him as well. Shroompuffin was in a situation tighter than a fat strippers g-string. He knew he has to do something fast. Think quickly he jumped on a yellow bellied Yoshi and attempted to sail to the moon, now orange from all it's orange orgie orgasmes.
On the moon he meet Pete who sold him so whale roids to combat the horrendous hoes and wankaful walruses. As fast as possible, Shroompuffin injected a dose of the whale roids into his pelvic area. Instantly he grew buff, his wewanka shrank, and his face was filled with acne. Shroom wasn't worried though, he always carried a bottle of proacitve for situations such as these. Jumping back on his yellow belly Yoshi he sailed back to Earth, defeating the hoes and the walruses. Like the idiot he is, Shroompuffin stuck the orange he had found into his blowhole and blew. The orange had a chemical reaction with the roid infected air from the blow horn. In an instant the orange formed an egg and out of that egg sprouted Mr. T! Thus the first black person was born.
Appalled by what he had created, Shroompuffin launched Mr. T to a continent with no natural resources. This continent later became known as Africa.
Shroompuffin was now starting to feel the effects from the whale roids. He went mad and slaughtered a pack or orgasm seeking hippies. This angered the God of Orgies, Eric Clapton who struck Shroompuffin with a D-minor note and killed him. Thus ending the epic tale of Shroompuffin and his valiant deeds.
December 26, 2007
A Very Doosh-bah Christmas
So, yeah, I took Christmas off. Who didn't? Hope yours was merry! In honor of Christmas, I present this wonderful Christmas tale full of magic and wonderment that I just made up off the top of my head.
A very Doosh-bah Christmas
Doosh-bah woke up on Christmas morning and sprang out of bead,
All night those damn sugar plums danced in his head,
He stumbled down to the living room only to see,
Bacon under the Christmas tree,
He jumped up and down with such delight,
That Doosh-bah didn't notice he stepped on a mite,
The mite bit his foot,
And he bit it up good,
So Doosh-bah had to dance and put on a hood,
Just to keep it from swelling as it often does,
Doosh-bah had some Tylenol and then ate some peat moss,
It was back to the bacon for old Doosh-bah,
But suddenly the door rang- it was his Pa,
Pa came in riding a yak,
He had brought an enchanted Christmas sack,
Doosh-bah opened the sack with shock and awe,
Inside the sack he found the body of Pa,
In that instant Pa ripped off his face,
It turned out to be Smearbob- what a disgrace!
But inside the sack was no longer his dad,
But instead there was something totally rad,
It was a super-deluxe- awesome gun,
Something Doosh-bah had wanted since he was one!
Then Doosh's real dad flew in from afar,
Bringing with him drinks and a mini bar,
Then they all ate bacon with 'ol Saint Nick,
It was the best Christmas ever- or so they did think,
Until Jack Frost showed up and started wrecking the place,
So Doosh-bah blasted him to outer space,
Doosh loved his new gun- twas true,
The only thing he loved more was Gorilla Glue.
And so, It was Doosh-bah and Smearbob's greatest, most bacon-filled Christmas ever!
Merry Christmas one and all!
A very Doosh-bah Christmas
Doosh-bah woke up on Christmas morning and sprang out of bead,
All night those damn sugar plums danced in his head,
He stumbled down to the living room only to see,
Bacon under the Christmas tree,
He jumped up and down with such delight,
That Doosh-bah didn't notice he stepped on a mite,
The mite bit his foot,
And he bit it up good,
So Doosh-bah had to dance and put on a hood,
Just to keep it from swelling as it often does,
Doosh-bah had some Tylenol and then ate some peat moss,
It was back to the bacon for old Doosh-bah,
But suddenly the door rang- it was his Pa,
Pa came in riding a yak,
He had brought an enchanted Christmas sack,
Doosh-bah opened the sack with shock and awe,
Inside the sack he found the body of Pa,
In that instant Pa ripped off his face,
It turned out to be Smearbob- what a disgrace!
But inside the sack was no longer his dad,
But instead there was something totally rad,
It was a super-deluxe- awesome gun,
Something Doosh-bah had wanted since he was one!
Then Doosh's real dad flew in from afar,
Bringing with him drinks and a mini bar,
Then they all ate bacon with 'ol Saint Nick,
It was the best Christmas ever- or so they did think,
Until Jack Frost showed up and started wrecking the place,
So Doosh-bah blasted him to outer space,
Doosh loved his new gun- twas true,
The only thing he loved more was Gorilla Glue.
And so, It was Doosh-bah and Smearbob's greatest, most bacon-filled Christmas ever!
Merry Christmas one and all!
December 21, 2007
What happened to Shups and Croids!?
Just in time for Christmas: it's Installation 04! Shups and Croids is gone. Forever. It has been merged with Gameweb to create the new Installation 04 (get the reference?). For those of you keeping track, this is now the third incarnation of this site. So the legacy of Shups and Croids is not lost (As was the legacy of Total Randomity. Don't remember it? I thought not.), I will now explain what the hell a shup and a croid are.
Shup: A type of field mouse located in the remote ice deserts of New Guinna. Don't think New Guinna has ice deserts? Look again, I'm right. Anyway, shups are known for there keen sense of touch. Yes, touch. They can feel a grain of ice-sand a mile away. Actually, that sounds really bothersome. Regardless, shups are a very rare species to behold. They have two inch long teeth, round scaly tales, and 16 strands of hair to keep them cool in the warm icy heat. If you're ever lucky enough to encounter one, you'll be blessed with finding 161 defective pennies which could either turn out to be completely worthless or worth a fortune. Shups are also quite tasty when popped like popcorn. They're a delicacy in Kenya.
Croid: Croid is a type of bagel spread first developed in France in 1886. It is made by mashing up polar bears into a fine paste. Then, strawberries are added to the mix followed by a shot of brandy. Fine French croid can be bought in a 5 oz container and costs $483 in American money (that's about $2.99 in France). Though most Americans find it strangely delicious, it is not sold in this country for two reasons: it's illegal to make food from polar bears, and it just costs too much to import. You may not think strawberry-polar bear sounds too tasty, but it's actually delicious. Unfortunately, you'll have to travel to France and pay $483 to get some.
So that's what shups and croids are... just in case you ever wondered. Anyway, please enjoy the new Installation 04!
Shup: A type of field mouse located in the remote ice deserts of New Guinna. Don't think New Guinna has ice deserts? Look again, I'm right. Anyway, shups are known for there keen sense of touch. Yes, touch. They can feel a grain of ice-sand a mile away. Actually, that sounds really bothersome. Regardless, shups are a very rare species to behold. They have two inch long teeth, round scaly tales, and 16 strands of hair to keep them cool in the warm icy heat. If you're ever lucky enough to encounter one, you'll be blessed with finding 161 defective pennies which could either turn out to be completely worthless or worth a fortune. Shups are also quite tasty when popped like popcorn. They're a delicacy in Kenya.
Croid: Croid is a type of bagel spread first developed in France in 1886. It is made by mashing up polar bears into a fine paste. Then, strawberries are added to the mix followed by a shot of brandy. Fine French croid can be bought in a 5 oz container and costs $483 in American money (that's about $2.99 in France). Though most Americans find it strangely delicious, it is not sold in this country for two reasons: it's illegal to make food from polar bears, and it just costs too much to import. You may not think strawberry-polar bear sounds too tasty, but it's actually delicious. Unfortunately, you'll have to travel to France and pay $483 to get some.
So that's what shups and croids are... just in case you ever wondered. Anyway, please enjoy the new Installation 04!
December 10, 2007
Happy Birthday, Man!
In honor of my friend's birthday, I give you a delightful poem:
Indian Man
By: Perry Levine
Indian man looking at the sun
It must be fun
Being Indian man
He has long hair
At this I stare
But not to long
Indian man
He chants
Hee-ohh-alah-nee-oo-ogachaca-meow
Which means
Today we dance and sing but tomorrow we may not because I think I might be getting a cold meow frustrated
Thank you Indian man
Indian Man
By: Perry Levine
Indian man looking at the sun
It must be fun
Being Indian man
He has long hair
At this I stare
But not to long
Indian man
He chants
Hee-ohh-alah-nee-oo-ogachaca-meow
Which means
Today we dance and sing but tomorrow we may not because I think I might be getting a cold meow frustrated
Thank you Indian man
December 9, 2007
Doosh-Bah and Smearbob: RELOADED
Doosh-Bah was awakened from his slumber when his alarm clock exploded. He sprang into action and immediately began to wash his cat. Smearbob rolled the red carpet for the Emperor of Memporor in the meantime. Suddenly, Agent Tnega burst through the roof of the place and stated: "I'm not wearing pants. Now you must save the world." And so Doosh-Bah and Smearbob were called back into action and went to work.
Harnessing the mighty power of the enchanted snail-gibbons, the two flew all the way to North Brunswick where they encountered the source of the evil that apparently existed. It was Corruption Craig and the No Good Gang. They were blasting all of the chocolate cookies into the Bay of Pigs. Unfortunately, this caused the pigs in the bay to become super-duper-fied. While half the world was exploding, Smearbob took out his giant-blaster-cannon-doom-ray and exploded the stratosphere. This just made things worse. Smearbob duck-taped it back together while Doosh-Bah shouted "Num-muh yoot bhut clussop WACKKOOH!" and self distrusted the xooki factories causing a chain reaction in the septizone and preventing the flow of eviltude. Thus, the land was saved and also very broken.
Doosh-Bah and Smearbob flew back to their home place using the power of Greyskull and then went back to bed. They dreamed of magical, magical magic and whatnot. All was good in the world... or something like that.
Doosh-bah and Smearbob created by The One Known as to be Reckoned with and Doegab. Story by N-man.
Harnessing the mighty power of the enchanted snail-gibbons, the two flew all the way to North Brunswick where they encountered the source of the evil that apparently existed. It was Corruption Craig and the No Good Gang. They were blasting all of the chocolate cookies into the Bay of Pigs. Unfortunately, this caused the pigs in the bay to become super-duper-fied. While half the world was exploding, Smearbob took out his giant-blaster-cannon-doom-ray and exploded the stratosphere. This just made things worse. Smearbob duck-taped it back together while Doosh-Bah shouted "Num-muh yoot bhut clussop WACKKOOH!" and self distrusted the xooki factories causing a chain reaction in the septizone and preventing the flow of eviltude. Thus, the land was saved and also very broken.
Doosh-Bah and Smearbob flew back to their home place using the power of Greyskull and then went back to bed. They dreamed of magical, magical magic and whatnot. All was good in the world... or something like that.
Doosh-bah and Smearbob created by The One Known as to be Reckoned with and Doegab. Story by N-man.
June 26, 2007
OMG!? A new post?
That's right! Prepare to be entertained with the story of Doosh-Bah and Smearbob!
Characters created by The One Known as to be Reckoned With and Doegab, respectively.
Story by N-man.
Doosh-Bah and Smearbob were friends. They'd been friends ever since Smearbob saved Doosh-Bah's life. You see, one day, on the 32nd of Feburary, Doosh-Bah was out for his yearly stroll throught the nuclear fish house. Smearbob just happened to be delivering an order of prickled haring when he saw a large noise. He quickly sprouted wings and flew into the sky for a better look, all the while holding on to his delivery for dear life. Unfortunately, a squirrel strapped to a firework shot through the sky and sent Smearbob falling to the Earth. You see, Smearbob and the fish house were on the moon and now he had been sent falling to earth.
It turns out the noise Smearbob saw was actually a headless raisin. It happened to be walking by when Smearbob fell onto it. The raisin casually strolled back to the moon with Smearbob in hand. Meanwhile, Doosh-Bah was just exiting the fish house when the nuclear waste started to chase him. It ripped open space and they were all transported to the year 2. Doosh-Bah started to have an asthma attack, but unluckily Smearbob didn't care. The headless raisin gave Doosh-Bah CPR and all was right in the world.
Then God descended from the Heavens and said, "Puppies are cute. I declare you two to be best friends. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late to my golf game with Thunder Thor." Then, God vanished. The Void of Crayold expanded into the rib shack and the world became 1% more chocolaty.
Of course, Doosh-Bah and Smearbob don't remember this event because they're memories were wiped by the MIB: the Mexicans in Boots. They re-met each other at a game of golf with The Great Pork Malorphers and Oscar the angry badger many years later. It turned out Doosh was a friend with Oscar who's cousin was in the Pork Malorphers and who's aunt knew Micky's niece who was Smearbob's sister who invited him to take her place in the golf game because she hates yogurt.
And so, Doosh-Bah and Smearbob hit it off. They talked about alphabetical socks for 45 hours straight and were friends ever since!
STAY TUNED FOR FURTHER ADVENTURES OF DOOSH-BAH AND SMEARBOB!
Characters created by The One Known as to be Reckoned With and Doegab, respectively.
Story by N-man.
Doosh-Bah and Smearbob were friends. They'd been friends ever since Smearbob saved Doosh-Bah's life. You see, one day, on the 32nd of Feburary, Doosh-Bah was out for his yearly stroll throught the nuclear fish house. Smearbob just happened to be delivering an order of prickled haring when he saw a large noise. He quickly sprouted wings and flew into the sky for a better look, all the while holding on to his delivery for dear life. Unfortunately, a squirrel strapped to a firework shot through the sky and sent Smearbob falling to the Earth. You see, Smearbob and the fish house were on the moon and now he had been sent falling to earth.
It turns out the noise Smearbob saw was actually a headless raisin. It happened to be walking by when Smearbob fell onto it. The raisin casually strolled back to the moon with Smearbob in hand. Meanwhile, Doosh-Bah was just exiting the fish house when the nuclear waste started to chase him. It ripped open space and they were all transported to the year 2. Doosh-Bah started to have an asthma attack, but unluckily Smearbob didn't care. The headless raisin gave Doosh-Bah CPR and all was right in the world.
Then God descended from the Heavens and said, "Puppies are cute. I declare you two to be best friends. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late to my golf game with Thunder Thor." Then, God vanished. The Void of Crayold expanded into the rib shack and the world became 1% more chocolaty.
Of course, Doosh-Bah and Smearbob don't remember this event because they're memories were wiped by the MIB: the Mexicans in Boots. They re-met each other at a game of golf with The Great Pork Malorphers and Oscar the angry badger many years later. It turned out Doosh was a friend with Oscar who's cousin was in the Pork Malorphers and who's aunt knew Micky's niece who was Smearbob's sister who invited him to take her place in the golf game because she hates yogurt.
And so, Doosh-Bah and Smearbob hit it off. They talked about alphabetical socks for 45 hours straight and were friends ever since!
STAY TUNED FOR FURTHER ADVENTURES OF DOOSH-BAH AND SMEARBOB!
November 12, 2005
Been a while, bud.
Haven't been here in a while. What with the hurricane and the no power and the not being in town and whatnot. Any way, I'm going to update now but I'm not sure what to expect and neither should you.
This is the story Oscar the Angry Badger
(Keep in mind, I'm making this up as I go along- as I always do.)
Once there was a badger named Oscar. He was a wild party animal. He loved to turn up the music and party till his pants fell off. One day after an especially wild party he woke up at three in the afternoon and felt unusually strange. His eyebrows were slanted in an angry position and he couldn't move them. His face turned into a scowl and he couldn't control it. Suddenly he fell on his knees in pain. His head felt like it was going to implode. He had caught "The Angry".
To this day Oscar the Angry Badger sits on his lawn and annoys little children. Sometimes he throws potted plants or wool sweaters at them. One day he hit a really ugly child with a beard. It turned out to be Hilbert O' Wamwak, the leprechaun. He placed a curse on Oscar that turned his pudding crusty.
And that's how flan was created.
Wow, that was strange! Not sure what went on there. Anyway, have a happy 9:47 on a Friday!
This is the story Oscar the Angry Badger
(Keep in mind, I'm making this up as I go along- as I always do.)
Once there was a badger named Oscar. He was a wild party animal. He loved to turn up the music and party till his pants fell off. One day after an especially wild party he woke up at three in the afternoon and felt unusually strange. His eyebrows were slanted in an angry position and he couldn't move them. His face turned into a scowl and he couldn't control it. Suddenly he fell on his knees in pain. His head felt like it was going to implode. He had caught "The Angry".
To this day Oscar the Angry Badger sits on his lawn and annoys little children. Sometimes he throws potted plants or wool sweaters at them. One day he hit a really ugly child with a beard. It turned out to be Hilbert O' Wamwak, the leprechaun. He placed a curse on Oscar that turned his pudding crusty.
And that's how flan was created.
Wow, that was strange! Not sure what went on there. Anyway, have a happy 9:47 on a Friday!
October 1, 2005
French snails
French snails are flying into the abyss of the Monochrome Lamas. If they succeed you will be terminated. Do you accept the mission of doom? Excellent! We must suit up! Quick, into the flying sanitation truck! Blast off for adventure!
Look! Crazy midget basketball!
That's just to catch your attention. Worked didn't it? My real message is one of heartfelt importance. Nah, I'm just kidding. I really have nothing to talk about. Well, that's the post of the random day!
Look! Crazy midget basketball!
That's just to catch your attention. Worked didn't it? My real message is one of heartfelt importance. Nah, I'm just kidding. I really have nothing to talk about. Well, that's the post of the random day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)