The Xbox One Makes Me Want to Give Up on Video Games

I've been trying to express my feelings on the Xbox One for quite some time, and I've gone through maybe three or four different iterations. None of them felt right. My goal was not to sound like a whiny bitch, but you know what? Fuck that. I'm going to be a whiny bitch because that's what the Xbox One deserves. See, the Xbox One is a piece of shit. It's the worst console I've ever owned, and probably the worst ever made. Worse than the 3DO or the Virtual Boy or even the Gizmondo, which I'm pretty sure was a scam. Every time I try to play the Xbox One I'm filled with rage followed by a profound sadness. It's almost like the five stages of grief, where I start out in disbelief that a video game system can be so much of a hassle, then I'm pleading with the forces that be to make the damn thing work how I want it to, then I finally accept that it just sucks and give up. I used to own an Xbox and an Xbox 360. I loved them! I want to love the Xbox One too, but I just can’t.

How to Avoid Raptor Claws: A Guide to Handheld Gaming Grips

You're having a good old time playing your favorite handheld game and then it happens: you realize your hands have contorted into a pretzeld nightmare. Raptor claws. I, too, used to game in pain until I realized there was a better way. So let me help you get a handle on the situation. The answer, my friends, is molded plastic. But there are many varieties of such plastic and many handhelds. You want to avoid crippling hand pain but don't know where to start? Luckily for you, I'm crazy and have money to blow. I have spent years acquiring a collection of handhelds and grips, perhaps in preparation for this day. So here it is, the event hundreds of dollars in the making. Find your preferred handheld below and get ready to board the train to grip town!

Quick Impressions of the PlayStation Vita

*UPDATE* I got some hands on time with the back touch panel while trying out Little Deviants. It was... disorienting. It's a cool idea in theory, but I get the feeling it won't be used to its full potential. In the game I had to slide my fingers across the back in order o raise the ground and roll around this little round monster, collecting items and solving puzzles. It's sounds cool in theory, but I found it really difficult to judge where my touch on the back would register on the front. Just hearing about it, it may not seem like much of a task, but trust me when I say it's really awkward. You have to get used to holding the system so that your fingertips touch the back and I can tell it'll take a lot of getting used to before gamers can adjust to the idea of interacting with a touch screen they can't see. Imagine playing Angry Birds or Fruit Ninja, except having to touch the back of your phone to play. It sounds difficult, right?

I had the chance to play around with a Vita the other day and I was surprisingly impressed by it. I noticed two things immediately: the thing is f'in huge, and it's also f'in light. Even with a huge wired security brick latched on to the bottom, the thing felt like it was mostly hollow. I don't know how they did it, but I sure was impressed. The screen takes up most of the space on the front of the system and for good reason. It's fantastic. So big and sharp and touchy and wonderful. Also wonderful: ergonomics. It's the perfect size and shape to fit comfortably in the hand. Fingers fall in just the right places on this one!

The 3DS: I have played it!

I played the 3DS today and I can confirm that everything you've heard is true. The 3D works, and it is awesome.

THE FUTURE

Crazy, crazy Japanese people. Leave it to them to make the world's most advanced exoskeleton and then have it look like it's from an anime. What you see above is the HAL 5, or Hybrid Assistave Limb. This baby uses electrodes to sense electrical impulses from muscles and sends them to an onboard computer analyzes them and sends this information to servos of the suit to mimic the user's movements. And it's got a 100 volt battery at the waist to power the whole thing. In plain english, you put it on and you can lift five times what you normally can lift. There is also a varient for legs only which increases strength by ten. It's currently still in the testing phases, but they're now available for limited rent. Check out the video of the thing in action by viewing the full post.

Screw Nintendo handhelds

I remember when i got my first gameboy. It was a turqoise gameboy color and my grandma had gotten it for me for Christmas. Then later when the game boy advance came out i got it to. On both these systems my first two games where pokemon blue and yellow (for gameboy color); silver and crystal (for gameboy advanced)

Then i got pissed

I realized than in order to play my beloved pokemon games i would have to upgrade my gameboy almost every year! At least gaming consles last for about four years, but handhelds your lucky if they last half a year! And then once they move on to the newest gameboy ur stuck with playing my little horny, strawberry shortcakes fruitylicious party games, and sluty 10 year old bratz games where puberiscent pre-teens attpempt to get guys attentions by showing off their flat undeveloped bodies making them likely targets for child molesters and rapist (oh boy!).

However the real reason i came here was to praise what might what might be the greatest download in the histroy of the internet.

ROMS

ROMS (Read-Only Memory programs) are free downloadable gba games that have been made available for the computer. I garuntee you that you can find any game that was ever made on a gba online and download it. However these ROMS will only work with a gba program which really isn't a problem since there are so many of them . The one i recomend is http://vba.ngemu.com/.

Also need a site for ROMS? http://gba-rom-news.org/

Support ROMS!

Tapwave Zodiac- What went wrong?

What went wrong? It's a few simple things:

First and foremost: lack of support. Game developers did not support the Zodiac, thus a library of crummy games. The best game was Warfare Incorporated which was developed by some palm company no one has ever heard of! The Zodiac did have its fare share of semi-well known games such as Duke Nukem, Spy Hunter, and Tony Hawk; but the developers of the games put little effort into making them good. The rest of the games were cheesy palm games playable on any PDA.

Second, who the heck has ever heard of Tapwave!? Tapwave was a little known PDA company who should have stuck to what they made best PDAs. The Zodiac is a rather good PDA except for one major flaw: if the battery drops to zero, the system resets and deletes all saved data. This is why I never use the PDA and have all of my games and media on SD cards.

The rest of the features are mostly useless. The video playback sucks; it only plays Quicktime videos that have to be converted to a special format using a special program before you can view them on your Zodiac. Sorry, but I'd rather watch movies on my PSP's widescreen format.

So, what do I use my Zodiac for these days? I seldom play the games because they aren't any good. What I do use is the MP3 player. It seems to be the only thing that was done right. Works great, and you can hold over 2 gigs of songs!

I think if the Zodiac had better games it might have succeeded. It had a perfect design: large screen, seven face buttons, and it's the only handheld with a true analogue stick. Sadly, these weren't put to good use. I think the Gizmondo is doomed to fail as well even if it has the support of some major companies; it's just a feeling way down in my gut. As for the N-Gage, I'm surprised that thing has lasted so long!

If you're a Zodiac owner you can still get games and accessories at a Comp USA near you; while supplies last, of course.