Doug and the Enchanted Spittoon

Doug was backpacking through the desert one day when he came across a giant neon sign that read "Enchanted Spittoon". The sign had an arrow pointing to a mystical cave. Doug said, "I shall travel to that mystical cave and search for the enchanted spittoon. I do hope there is something to eat in there, though. I'm starved!" And so Doug ventured inside the cave. Not more than two feet in, Doug encountered a grumpy troll.
"I'm a grumpy troll!" the troll said, "Now get me a radish and I shall let you pass."
Doug did not know where to get a radish and so he told the troll "I am questing for an enchanted spittoon. When I find it, I will wish for a radish for you." The troll was pleased and let Doug through. Soon Doug came across a family of mud crabs.
"Please," the mother crab said, "You must help me! My baby is sick and I need medicine to heal him. Can you please get me some from the nearest town." Doug was half way to the treasure by now and did not want to turn back.
He told the mother crab, "I am searching for an enchanted spittoon. When I find it, I will wish for medicine for your son." This pleased the crab, and Doug went on his way. Doug was almost to the end of the cave when he saw a unicorn in a bear trap. It's horn had broken off.
The unicorn looked up at him with his head stuck in the trap and said, "This is incredibly painful! If you get me out of here and fix my horn, I'll fly you out of the desert and into civilization." Doug had been traveling in the desert for quite some time with no end in sight. He desperately wanted to get home.
Knowing he was not strong enough, Dough said, "I'm searching for an enchanted spittoon. When I find it, I'll wish for you to bee freed and your horn fixed." With a sigh, the unicorn let Doug leave. Doug could see a sparkle in the distance that he knew must be the spittoon. He rounded the corner and bumped into a gigantic spider web.
Inside was an enormous spider. "I am the keeper of the spittoon." it said, "If you wish to use the spittoon, you must answer my riddle. If you take the number of grains of sand in this chamber and turn it into glass, how many nuns does it take to screw in a light bulb while standing on those sheets of glass, assuming the nuns are each five foot five inches tall?"
Doug thought long and hard. Having absolutely no idea, he randomly guessed "Five?"
The spider pondered for a while and said, "Well, that's closer than most people get, so go on in." Doug could see it before him. The spittoon shone with a wonderful gold glow. Instructions on the wall told Doug to spit into it and wait. And so, Doug did. He spit into it, and he waited, and waited, and waited. Finally, something happened. The spit came out a slot on the back of the spittoon as pure, clean water.
"What gives!?" Doug demanded "Where's my wishes?"
The spider turned to him and said, "What wish. This is the enhanced spittoon. Most people come through here very thirsty. If they make it passed the trials, they get fresh water."
"But the sign outside said 'enchanted spittoon!" Doug insisted.
"Oh, that old thing? Some of the lights must be out. I must get around to fixing it one of these days."
Doug was in a panic. He had just made a lot of promises he could no longer keep. He slowly walked back to the entrance, where the troll, crab, and the unicorn were eagerly waiting. "Here's the thing..." Doug tried to explain, "Turns out it wasn't an enchanted spittoon, it was an enhanced spittoon. I can't help any of you. Sorry?"
"My son is going to die thanks to you!" the crab yelled.
"My head is going to be stuck in this thing forever thanks to you!" the unicorn clamored.
"I'm not just grumpy, I'm mad as hell now because I didn't get my radish!" the troll boomed.
So, the three backed Doug into a corner and beat him to a pulp. The troll freed the unicorn, who, in turn, flew to town and got medicine for the crab, who dug into the earth and found a turnip for the troll. All was well. Except for Doug, that is. He was never heard from again. But legend has it that if you pass buy the cave of the enhanced spittoon (the spider did get around to fixing the sign), you can still hear the screams. No one knows for sure if he is alive or dead, but his legend lives on.

Oranges and Orgies: The Epic Tale of Shroompuffin

On the day of Latter Made Saints, Shroompuffin was walking towards the annul orgies and oranges feast down by the hoe house. Shroompuffin loved oranges and hoped to get some for his grandmother.
However when reaching the great plateau of orgies and oranges, he noticed a particularly orgieanic orange. He started at it in awe, it would be perfect for his grandmother! Just as he went to pick it up he was surrounded by three Hoes. Their shiny metal heads and wooden bodies terrified him. Quickly grabbing the orange he ran as fast as a dobleflooper tripping over some orgasaming hippies and wanking walruses. The wanking walruses where displeased and decided to purse him as well. Shroompuffin was in a situation tighter than a fat strippers g-string. He knew he has to do something fast. Think quickly he jumped on a yellow bellied Yoshi and attempted to sail to the moon, now orange from all it's orange orgie orgasmes.
On the moon he meet Pete who sold him so whale roids to combat the horrendous hoes and wankaful walruses. As fast as possible, Shroompuffin injected a dose of the whale roids into his pelvic area. Instantly he grew buff, his wewanka shrank, and his face was filled with acne. Shroom wasn't worried though, he always carried a bottle of proacitve for situations such as these. Jumping back on his yellow belly Yoshi he sailed back to Earth, defeating the hoes and the walruses. Like the idiot he is, Shroompuffin stuck the orange he had found into his blowhole and blew. The orange had a chemical reaction with the roid infected air from the blow horn. In an instant the orange formed an egg and out of that egg sprouted Mr. T! Thus the first black person was born.
Appalled by what he had created, Shroompuffin launched Mr. T to a continent with no natural resources. This continent later became known as Africa.

Shroompuffin was now starting to feel the effects from the whale roids. He went mad and slaughtered a pack or orgasm seeking hippies. This angered the God of Orgies, Eric Clapton who struck Shroompuffin with a D-minor note and killed him. Thus ending the epic tale of Shroompuffin and his valiant deeds.

Random Videos for Today

Here are some completely unrelated videos that I found on Youtube. Enjoy!

Run to Old:



Smash Bros. Demo:

Geometry Wars Galaxies: A Review

Math has never been so much fun.

Math is hard. Geometry wars is hard. The similarities end there. Galaxies uses the tried and true formula that Evolved established and takes it to the next level. Retro Evolved was a helluva fun game when it came out. It only had one level, but that was enough. Galaxies has over 60- each unique in its own way. They vary by shape, what enemies appear, and even the number of lives you have. Some levels are easy, some levels are hard, all are infinitely fun.

Retro Evolved contained about 6 enemies or so. Galaxies more than doubles that. There are a ton of new baddies to go up against. Some are giant versions that break into smaller enemies, some spawn hundreds of little enemies at once, others will just quickly fly by and try to avoid you; nail these and you'll get big points. The points system is actually very different in this game. You can easily rack your multiplier up to over 100. To make up for this, the high scores that win you metals are much, much, higher. In Evolved, you struggled to achieve a million points; now you'll have to shoot for 10 million.

Destroying those hundreds of on-screen enemies gives you geoms. Each enemy drops a different number of geoms you can collect and use to unlock new planets or upgrade your drone. The drone is a new addition to the Geometry Wars universe. It is a small craft that flies around with you and helps you in combat. The drone can be upgraded to preform a variety of tasks including attacking, defending, and collecting geoms, among other things. Drones gain experience the more you use them, and each drone function can be leveled up making it more powerful.

The game controls like a charm with the classic controller. It does not, however, control like a charm with the waggle wand. There is an on-screen laser that points where your fire will shoot. When you change the direction of your fire, there is quite a delay. This can lead to certain death in tight situations. Plus, you have to hold down the 'a' button to fire. Stick to the classic controller here and you'll have a gay old time (Flintstones style).

Finally, who can forget the music? The music is wonderful! Just as catchy as ever. Now, though, there is a variety of different songs that play on the various levels instead of the same old tune. All the songs are great, however. Unfortunately, the song from Evolved did not make it into Galaxies. Not to worry, though, because Galaxies includes a full version of Evolved for your pleasure! The sound quality itself is crap. The visuals are fine, but the sound is crap. It sounds like it's playing through the remote's speaker. Absolutely unacceptable. Other than, that minor hiccup, the game is just great! It always runs silky smooth and plays great. There is also versus and co-op multiplayer in addition to online leaderboards. You can even connect the Wii and DS versions to unlock extra content!

This is probably the best game this year that no one played. I guarantee that only fans of the original and its sequel picked this up. Reconsider. It's great fun that'll last forever (literally), and at $40 how could you go wrong? Galaxies is money well spent.

Breakdown:
Visuals: 9 (simple, yet amazing) *EDIT* Changed it to 9. Not quite as sharp as on XBL Arcade.
Gameplay: 10 (simple, yet amazing)
Controls: 9 (great with the classic controller- though it is awkwardly small- crap without)
Sound: 5 (music is great, music quality is total crap)
Replay Value: 10 (I'd give it 11, but that's not possible)
Overall: 9/10

Best game no one played.

Ace Combat 6: Fires of Liberation

Ace combat 6 is a "jack of all trades" type of game, meaning it does everything well but excels at nothing in particular.

Ace Combat 6 frustrates me. The ironic thing though is that the game doesn't frustrate me because its bad, it frustrates me because it could have been so much better.
Ace combat six graphics are amazing, and a the same time there not. When flying, the visuals and special effects look increadibly realistic. It also probably has some of the best fire/explosion effects of any game. Sadly the good visuals stop there because when you fly low to glance at the landscape you are instantly disappointed. The city visuals could be so much better. You can't see anyone walking on the ground or cars passing by when you fly over. The whole landscape looks stretched out, blurred, and very poorly done. That alone ruined the beauty of the games graphics.
Many people don't care about the graphics though, after all the game play is what really matters isn't it? Ace Combat 6 has good game play, but it's nothing great. I do like the feature where you can follow your missile and see it hit the enemy. The only problem is the missiles themselves. I mean these missiles are supposed to be heat seeking and half the time my missiles missed simply when my opponent veered slightly to the left or right. It's also vice a versa, dodging a missile is unbelievably easy, i want at least some challenge in it! Don't count on your machine guns as your main source of firepower, there more accurate but they take a lot of shots unless your up close to your enemy. You also have wingmen helping you but i was disappointed in the lack of commands to direct them, still, they where useful. What bothered me about the combat the most was how when I crashed into planes my size, I blew up and they didn't. It's fine that i blow up but they also need to blow up themselves or sustain some type of damage. Even though my comments are negative for the most part, the combat is actually pretty addicting. It never gets old blowing up planes and then flying through the explosion and debris they left behind. It makes you feel like a B.A.M.F
The worst aspect of the game....has to be the story line. I rather that they had not even put a story line than come up with one. It's boring, poorly written, and nearly non-existent. Ace combat 6 is one of the few games where you can skip the cut scenes and it won't make a difference.
Overall Ace Combat 6 is a good but not great game. I wouldn't buy it immediately, instead wait a few months and buy it when it becomes cheaper.

Breakdown:
Visuals: 10
Controls: 9
Gameplay: 7
Sound: 6
Replay Value: 6
Overall: 7/10

Good bargain bin buy in a few months.

Super Mario Galaxy: A Review

This time, Mario travels through space in what can only be described as his finest outing ever!

There is no doubt that Mario Galaxy is a wonderful piece of work. It controls beautifully, it sounds beautiful, and it implements some beautiful ideas. The crazy Mario Sunshine, in which Mario ran around with a water squirter on his back, left many people thinking, "What else could they possibly do with Mario?" Answer: put him in space. Let's get one thing clear now: this is not Super Mario 128. There never was a Super Mario 128, and there never will be. Mario 128 was a tech demo from 2000 to show off the power of the Gamecube. Bits and pieces were used in the creation of both Sunshine and Galaxy. That's where the planetoids come in. Mario Galaxy sure does have some dazzling and innovative new concepts, and the planetoids stand out as the best of what the game has to offer. Throughout your journey, Mario will encounter floating planetoids and space junk. He can run, jump, and explore every square inch. If you jump off the edge, Mario will be pulled back by the planet's gravity. If you walk off the edge, Mario will appear on the underside of the planet. It's a truly great idea and you wonder why no one thought of it before. The crazy gravity also highlights the spectacular camera system. Mario 64 really innovated the camera in 3D games, and now Galaxy has done it again. As you run and jump around various atmospheres, the camera flies, pans, flips, and follows your every move without missing a step.

The game also controls like a dream. It's interesting how elements of both 64 and Sunshine have been implemented into Galaxy. There's classic long and tripple jumps, in addition to spin and wall jumps. All control beautifully with the wiimote/nun chuck combo (or as i like to call it the "waggle wand"). Speaking of waggle wand, Galaxy makes good use of it without ever feeling gimmicky. There is a blue star on screen that acts as your pointer. It never feels bothersome or in the way like the dreadful fairy from Twilight Princess. Mario has one new move in the game that sends him spinning in a circle with a flick of the remote. This stuns enemies and allows Mario to easily take them out. You would think that Mario's new attack would detract from the experience or make it too easy. Not so. It really adds to the fun- trust me. You can even have a friend help you out by controlling another star pointer! On the subject of difficulty, Galaxy seems slightly easier than previous titles. This is somewhat balanced out by the fact that Mario can now only take three hits. Health can be replenished with coins, as always, but coins are now less abundant. In their place are star bits which can be collected with the remote. These can be used to unlock new levels or to buy useful items before a boss fight.

The overall flow of the game is the same as always (as always, with zero plot). You start in a hub world and travel to different levels while collecting stars along the way. These stars unlock more levels until you've reached the end of the game. Galaxy is different in that you unlock observatories when you defeat a galaxy's final boss. The observatories have about four or five galaxies each that you can travel to, each with one to three stars to unlock to start out with. The first thing you'll notice is that there are a lot more levels this time around. More levels, but each contains less stars- it's a trade off. Personally, I like the layout of Galaxy. There's just more to explore. And, boy, are is there a lot to explore. The sheer diversity of levels is astounding! There was even a Monkey Ball-type level that had Mario rolling on a giant ball (controlled by twisting the remote of course). You only need 60 stars to finish the game, but if you really want a challenge go for all 120. You'll even be rewarded by unlocking Luigi as a playable character!

Mario Galaxy is the prettiest game on the Wii, hands down. It's colorful, sharp, and graphically stunning. It proves that you don't need super high-definition visuals to look beautiful. Finally, there's the sound. Mario Galaxy contains the Mario franchise's finest soundtrack yet. Plus, it's the first to be fully orchestrated. I have to say, Mario is at least 10X better with a fully orchestrated soundtrack. The music is wonderful and quite varied. New tracks and old are both represented here. Word's can't describe how great it felt to journey my way to fight Bowser with a beautifully orchestrated version of the N64 song playing in the background.

In all there is just one word to describe Mario Galaxy: stunning. Galaxy is Mario's finest game ever, the best game on the Wii, and my pick for Wii game of the year!

Breakdown:
Visuals: 10
Controls: 10
Gameplay: 10
Sound: 10
Replay Value: 9
Overall: 10/10

Wii Game of the Year

New MMORPG looks promising

To be honest i love MMORPGS. The only problem is that the MMORPG formula has not changed at all, i mean just look at this list of MMORPG that have been released in the last few years:

Asherons Calling
Everquest
Linage
World of Warcraft
Lord of the Rings
City of Hero's
Planetside
Star War

I think you see the problem already don't you? A huge percentage of these games are based on a fantasy setting the barely vary. Planetside and Star Wars both took setting in space which is good, but pretty soon that setting is going to get old as well within a matter of years. In fact the only true original MMORPG on that list is COH. It had a great concept, but the game itself lacked depth and that was its downfall.

I see hope for the industry though. A new original MMORPG in coming soon, one which i think has the potential so be great, even great enough to compete with World of Warcraft.

It's called Pirates of the Burning Seas.

In Pirates of the Burning Sea, you are the captain of your own ship with your own crew. There are three fraction you can chose from : The English, French, and Spanish. Although you don't have to belong to a fraction, you can be a pirate if you wish and attack the merchant ships working for the European Empires. When one becomes a Captain in this game they can choose from four different careers. This careers are:

• Naval Officer - Focus on defense, escorting duties, and direct, face-to-face combat. Navy Officers gain access to the extremely powerful ships of the line.
• Privateer - Focus on utilizing small advantages for big gain, outmaneuvering and outwitting opponents. Privateers have an edge in boarding combat and can learn a skill that enables them to use Pirate PvP zones.
• Freetrader - Focus on trading, production and economics. They will have abilities to effectively evade opponents in combat. Freetraders may learn skills that increase their ability to gather resources and produce goods.
• Pirate - All-round capability including the special ability to take command of defeated opponent ships. These ships will only have one durability point. If a Pirate takes command of a Ship of the Line he will automatically be flagged for PvP.

My biggest concern for the game was the ship combat, i was worried that it would be mediocre, but after seeing this video I can't wait to get a ship and fight other pirates/ merchants.



Something else you can do in the is take over ports and cities. This is concept of "World Raiding" is something I feel that a lot of MMORPGS are missing and that Pirates does a great job implementing. In the game, after Pirates and Merchants conquer towns. Then the towns export goods which gives the player money and at the same time crafts goods that the player can use.

Obviously you're not going to be always just fighting with ships only. When you rush in to attack a town or if your ship gets boarded your pirate is going to be forced to fight. In the game there are three different types of fighting:

• Dirty fighting - Fight with a cutlass. Excels in disrupting the balance of the opponent and has many 'special' attacks.
• Fencing - The art of fighting with a rapier. Excellent at dealing high amounts of damage.
• Florentine - Dagger and sword fighting. Has the greatest defensive capabilities.

The fighting looks great in the game, and don't just take my word for it just look at this video.

Customization in game is great for both the in game characters and the ships. There are 54 different types of ships, with more planing to be implemented. There are however, there are five basic ship designs:

• Stripped – A merchant variant. A low-level requirement version of a large trade ship although not equipped with guns.

• Courier – An easy-access variant. Courier ships are slightly faster and easier to handle, but they have less firepower and armor.

• Heavy – An upgrade variant. Heavy ships have significantly more armor and structure, and often have other combat benefits.

• Sleek – An upgrade variant. Sleek ships are faster and handle better. They might also have slightly better armor.

• Mastercraft – The premier ship variant. Mastercraft ships are expensive custom made ships that have been restructured to have room for more (and potentially heavier) guns and stronger hulls.

Player Customization looks promising as well, the creators are looking to add as much customization options as COH.



Pirates also has "societies"(aka guilds). Societies can have custom banners and work together to defeat other societies.

Overall the game looks promising, it is definitely a new type of MMORPG, one that will hopefully be able to compete with the MMORPG monster known as World of Warcraft.

A Very Doosh-bah Christmas

So, yeah, I took Christmas off. Who didn't? Hope yours was merry! In honor of Christmas, I present this wonderful Christmas tale full of magic and wonderment that I just made up off the top of my head.

A very Doosh-bah Christmas

Doosh-bah woke up on Christmas morning and sprang out of bead,
All night those damn sugar plums danced in his head,
He stumbled down to the living room only to see,
Bacon under the Christmas tree,
He jumped up and down with such delight,
That Doosh-bah didn't notice he stepped on a mite,
The mite bit his foot,
And he bit it up good,
So Doosh-bah had to dance and put on a hood,
Just to keep it from swelling as it often does,
Doosh-bah had some Tylenol and then ate some peat moss,
It was back to the bacon for old Doosh-bah,
But suddenly the door rang- it was his Pa,
Pa came in riding a yak,
He had brought an enchanted Christmas sack,
Doosh-bah opened the sack with shock and awe,
Inside the sack he found the body of Pa,
In that instant Pa ripped off his face,
It turned out to be Smearbob- what a disgrace!
But inside the sack was no longer his dad,
But instead there was something totally rad,
It was a super-deluxe- awesome gun,
Something Doosh-bah had wanted since he was one!
Then Doosh's real dad flew in from afar,
Bringing with him drinks and a mini bar,
Then they all ate bacon with 'ol Saint Nick,
It was the best Christmas ever- or so they did think,
Until Jack Frost showed up and started wrecking the place,
So Doosh-bah blasted him to outer space,
Doosh loved his new gun- twas true,
The only thing he loved more was Gorilla Glue.
And so, It was Doosh-bah and Smearbob's greatest, most bacon-filled Christmas ever!

Merry Christmas one and all!

The List: The Six Greatest Softdrindks

6. Peach Soda- It's peach soda. What else is there to say? Never seen it before? That's because it's a rare species of soda. It's on the list because it's so damn hard to track down!

5. Root Beer/ Cream Soda- Who doesn't love the taste of root beer or cream soda? Instant classics.

4. Mr. Pibb- It's Dr. Pepper with a cooler name and catchphrase. Put it in your head!

3. Mountain Dew Code Red- It's abnormally red, but so very delicious! A true cherry soda.

2. Vault- It most certainly does not kick like an energy drink, but it doesn't taste like one either. It's like good sprite.

1. Ginger Ale- Nothing beats good old ginger ale! The drink of kings!

Why So Serious?

In case you haven't seen it by now (You haven't? Loser.), there's a new Dark Knight trailer swimming around the interwebs. The Joker is truly incredible. Seriously, Heath Ledger is a genius. YOU SHALL BOW TO HIM!!

Download the trailer in regular, high, or super-mega-HD.

Also, enjoy this awesomely creepy new poster:







































More posters here.